# 5 The End

On October 4, 2007, I had my last chemo session. I had made it through six months and 12 sessions of nausea, vomiting in a trash can while hooked up to the IV, several emergency room visits as a result of spiking a fever post-chemo, a bout with bronchitis as a result of lowered immunity, countless neupogen shots to boost white blood cell production, a full head of lost hair, intense bone pain, twice daily heparin injections, eleventy billion site dressing changes, the loss of layers of skin due to transpore tape and press and seal wrap, one bone marrow biopsy that I hope to never repeat, multi-weekly blood draws, tons of tests...... but I was DONE!!!!! Chemo killed my cancer, and I was DONE with chemo. I was thrilled... or was I?

To be honest, finishing chemo was terrifying for me. Despite all the negative effects, I had the comfort of knowing that my chemo was killing my cancer. What would happen when I wasn't being pumped full of cancer-killing chemicals? Would my cancer come back? Was it just waiting for a break in the drugs to come and get me?

The other part of it that made finishing chemo tough was that for the last six months of my life, my cancer had defined me. Before I was diagnosed, I was a law student. Well, while sick, I graduated from law school, I wasn't working, I didn't have much on my plate besides being sick. My job title and identity was cancer patient, and when I didn't have that anymore.... I felt lost. All of my friends had moved on, gotten jobs, and were living their lives. I wasn't doing much of anything. Now, this isn't to say I WANTED to be defined by cancer. I did NOT miss my cancer. It was just a shock to my system, and I had to ask myself "What's next?"

Slowly but surely, I moved past my post-cancer rut. I began studying for the bar exam, and took it the following February. In January, I went in to the hospital for my first series of post-chemo tests/scans. It was awful. I was a nervous wreck. I was so convinced that I was sick again. It made me the most insufferable person to be around for a couple of weeks. Happily, those test results came back negative. I was still cancer-free, and I could still move on with my life. Even now, over a year and a half after that last chemo session, I still get nervous when test time comes around, but it doesn't consume me like it used to. I've been cancer-free for a while now, and I have more confidence, and I generally feel really good.

As for how I moved on, well, most of y'all know that story. Upon finishing the bar exam, I was overwhelmed by a sense of depression at the idea of actually having to practice law. D suggested that I DIDN'T have to practice law, which allowed me to expand my search. My journey made me want to help others on their own journey, which led me to the non-profit sector. It's been an interesting transition, one I never regret, and I think I've discovered new talents.

So, I sit here today, writing this last cancer reflection, full head of hair intact, excited about how far I've come and fully dedicated to doing more in the future. My journey is why I've become so involved with Team in Training. I don't want ANYONE to endure what I went through. It's a paralyzing feeling to be sick and not to be able to do anything about it. Your life is in the hands of doctors, medicine, and God. The loss of control is horrible. I'm going to begin training for my second Team in Training season in less than two months, and I hope you all will support me as I start this journey all over again!

Thanks for giving me the chance to write about this period of my life!