One minute

I have recently learned that a single minute can seem like the longest time period EVER. When there is one minute left in the day at work, I anxiously sit on my hands, waiting for the clock to strike 5. It literally seems as though it is going to be 4:59 forever, and I will be stuck in the office permanently, when all I can think about is going home, playing with the dog, eating dinner, running, and spending time with D.

One minute seems interminable when I am running. I'm doing an interval training program where I increase the time I am running and decrease the time I am walking each week. The last minute of my last run feel like it will never end. I feel like my body can't go one more step, like I want to fall down, curl into the fetal position, and die.

I was reminded again yesterday how long one minute can seem when it is your last minute in the cat scan machine. After several minutes of having to lay perfectly still, as soon as you know you are in the last minute, you get overrun by a sense of claustrophobia, you feel like the circular walls are closing in on you, you feel like screaming to let you out.

One minute. One tiny minute can seem so friggin long.

I prefer steak to liquid barium

Last night's Fleming's dinner was incredible. Wedge salad, medium rare steak oscar (with lump crabmeat and Bearnaise), chipotle mac n cheese, blue cheese mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus, molten chocolate cake, and cheesecake. I know, totally contrary to my weight loss goals, but hellllllllaaaaaaa good. I wish I didn't love food so much. I wish I were happy munching on celery instead of steak. I wish I didn't crave cheese, meat, bread, chocolate.... oh well. I guess it's everything in moderation, although moderation seems to be my problem!

But the night was lovely, and I enjoyed some quality time with my mom and D.

Tomorrow's cuisine isn't nearly as delectable. Tomorrow is MD Anderson day. I go in every 3 months for a series of tests to make sure my cancer hasn't returned. I usually walk around feeling like a bad-ass cancer survivor, but those days make me feel vulnerable, scared, and sick all over again. I'll be poked and prodded and made to feel like a patient number as opposed to a human being. That's not to knock the staff over there, they are really great, but they are so used to dealing with cancer patients, I think it becomes routine after a while.

The worst part is the catscan. I have to fast for several hours before the scan, and then I get to drink liquid barium in three LARGE doses over an hour and a half right before the scan. MMMM MMMM!!!! In case anyone was wondering, liquid barium at MD Anderson comes in three fruity, fun flavors! Berry, Banana, and Apple. The first time I had to have a scan right after I was diagnosed, I asked what the most popular flavor was, and the nurse said it was berry. Ever since then, I have been a berry barium kind of girl. I gag sitting here thinking of banana barium.

My catscan also involves an iodine contrast. That means they put an IV in my arm, and at hook my up to a machine that dispenses a shot of iodine at some point during the scan. If you haven't ever had an iodine contrast, it's the weirdest feeling. It makes your body feel like it's on fire. The sensation starts in your chest and moves all the way down to your toes. It also makes you feel like you need to urinate, which is awesome considering you are supposed to be sitting still and not moving.

There are other aspects to the scan which I won't go into detail about, but suffice it to say, it's not my favorite thing ever.

However, if these scans keep coming back to tell me that I am cancer-free, I'll have them every week. I just keep trying to remind myself this is one step closer to being declared "cured" (5 years from now!).

So, tomorrow night after barium-fest, I plan on indulging in something greasy that I don't prepare myself. Sigh. Thwarting my weight loss attempts again! Oh well, maybe God meant for me to be a substantial woman. :)

T-Minus 5 days to vacation!!!!

I know it's Monday, I know I am supposed to be grumbly about returning to work after a long weekend.... but I am so psyched for our vacation to Chicago, that I don't care! D and I leave on Saturday morning for 5 blissful, wonderful, awesome days of vacation. It is my first real vacation since before cancer, so I am bouncing off the walls with excitement.

The weekend was pretty great. Friday night I met up with Erin and her cousin Kate (who incidentally is from Chicago, and responsible for helping me with many planning aspects of the trip) for margarita happy hour. As the night progressed, we met up with more people, returned to Erin and Stephen's house, and I played my first game of beer pong ever. I know, I went to Rice, how in the world have I not played beer pong before? I think beer pong is a dirty, dirty game. I mean, you bounce ping pong balls across a dirty plank of wood, and if you miss, they land on the floor or in a bush or some other equally yucky location. Have you ever taken a look at the water cup you dip the ball in at the end of a game? It's gray and murky. Disgusting!

However, I managed to put my feelings aside and play. I honestly don't remember if we won or lost, which probably means I was 14 sheets to the wind, and I didn't care. Luckily, sober boyfriend came to the rescue to drive us home.

I spent Saturday morning helping to pick up the last of my grandmother's things from her house and move them into storage. And then..... Nell came to town!!!!!!! Nell has been one of my fabulous best friends for over a decade now. She is getting married in a couple months, so she came in town to deal with some wedding details. She spent the night at my house and we went to dinner with Libby and her new boyfriend, and then hit up the 'Quis.

I am way too old for the Marquis. But every once in a while, with the right group of people, it can be fun.

Sunday was another awesome episode of Sunday Funday featuring water balloons. Yaaaaayyyyy water balloons. (sarcastic snicker) I'm just glad young kids don't have better aim.

Tonight my mom is taking D and I out to dinner for an early celebration of my birthday since she will be leaving town on Wednesday, and we are leaving for Chicago before she returns. I turn 26 one week from today! My sister asked me yesterday if I still got excited about birthdays, and I gave her a big "hell yeah!". I will for the rest of my life be grateful for every birthday I get to have, every experience I have along the way, and every candle I get to blow out.

And I will enjoy every single delicious bite of steak tonight at Fleming's. :)

STOP COMPLAINING!!!!!

I am the first to admit that I can suffer from whiner-itiss. I'll whine to friends, wondering when the day will end, why Houston drivers are so dumb, why can't I have the body of a supermodel while eating wings and drinking beer.... I get it. Everyone whines, everyone has some moments of "why me".

What I CANNOT stand are people who complain constantly, who bemoan the state of their lives, who constantly proclaim their negativity and problems from the rooftops. I am so sick of people seeking sympathy by rehashing every miserable detail of their lives, instead of throwing that energy into trying to change their lives.

I thought a lot about this when I was writing my fundraising letter. I did not want to focus too much on what cancer was like for me, because frankly, I didn't want to bring people down in what was supposed to be an uplifting letter. I think I managed to strike the appropriate balance of heart-string pulling and positivity (at least I hope I did).

There are some people in my life who feel the need to complain and be negative about everything, no matter how good they might have it. I am so sick of these people, and maybe I just need to extricate them from my life.

Since I choose not to be too specific, I'll just post a general message to everyone: Please, please take a moment and look at all the good, happy, wonderful things in your life. Please focus on the positive instead of the negative. Please find a way to make the most out of your God given skills and talents, and don't focus on what you cannot do. The world will be a better, happier place for it.

Although, I do realize the irony of my complaining about people complaining, I think it served a good purpose, and now I'm going to go think about happier things, like a nice weekend full of fun stuff. :)

I really, really love baseball

I haven't always loved baseball, but it is far and away my favorite sport now. I thought it was boring and slow as a kid, but since I've gotten older and given it a chance, I'm turned into a major baseball face.

D loves baseball even more than I do, so we watch a lot of the sport. This past weekend, the Cubs were in town, and we went to both the Friday and Saturday night games. His folks came in town for the Saturday game, so we were four baseball fans spending a day at the ball park. Very cool.

This morning I had the opportunity to attend a commercial shoot advertising my nonprofit's fall walk to cure the disease. We have a partnership with the Houston Texans, and we got Mario Williams as our spokesperson this year. I'm not a huge football fan, but Mario Williams will forever be the guy that took Vince Young's spot in Houston in my eyes. However, I find it very cool that he is willing to be our spokesman, and he is apparently quite good. He came out this morning all suited up, and he was very sweet to the 10 kids we recruited to be in the commercial. The kids were extremely adorable, and they were excited to be a part of it. The funny thing was that Toro, the Texans mascot, was also present and in the commercial. Some of the younger kids didn't have a clue who Mario Williams was, so they ignored him and showered all their attention on Toro. Not that they knew who Toro was, but I bet he definitely seems cooler than a real person to a kid.

All in all, a pretty interesting day!

Time to fundraise!

I spent this weekend sending out my fundraising letter, and I am so gratified by the donations already starting to roll in. I am so inspired by the generosity I am already witnessing from people. It means so much knowing that people really support what I am doing. My goal is to raise at least $4,000, but I'd like to go beyond that. I feel a certain sense of responsibility as a cancer survivor to help prevent future generations of people from having to endure what I went through. The way I see it, thousands of people have run and raised money for LLS in the past. What if the drugs that sent me into remission were developed from those dollars? What if I am alive today because someone decided to step up and do something to stop cancer? What if I can now be that person for someone in the future???

I have never been so motivated in my life to achieve something. I am scared to death of the running part, but I know there is something deeper driving me. I know I am going to do it. I just know it.

In case any of you all missed my fundraising email, overlooked the link on facebook, and have essentially been hiding under a rock as I have been blabbering about it all over the place, here is the link to my webpage in the event you would like to make a donation: http://pages.teamintraining.org/txg/houston09/klilienstern

Going through this process has really brought up some emotions that I have buried just beneath the surface about all the cancer stuff. I boggles my mind that a year ago I was sick. I wish I could find words to describe what it is like to wake up every morning wondering if you are going to be able to beat the disease inside of you or if it is going to win. It's so scary to be 24 or 25 years old and have to seriously think about your mortality. As I said in my last post, I'm able to objectively talk about my cancer today, but it doesn't take digging too far to really stir up some emotions.

Alright, serious stuff over.

Just be aware, friends, that in upcoming months, I'll be trying to take your money :). I love you all for supporting me!!!

I'm going to cure cancer!!!!!

I went to my Team in Training informational meeting last night, and I feel like I have been walking (or running) on air ever since. It was so completely inspiring, it just made me so excited about this journey I have decided to embark upon.

The meeting was small, only about 15 or so people, but they had TNT staff there, all of whom have participated in different TNT events and raised money for the cause, and they also have someone who is an "honored teammate". Each running group (I will be a member of the Memorial Park running group) has a couple of honored teammates. They are people who are currently going through cancer treatment. I feel like I met a kindred spirit last night in one of the honored teammates, a girl named Daphne. I walked in last night, and I could immediately tell she was a cancer patient because of her shaved head. She introduced herself, and asked me how I heard about TNT/decided to get involved. I told her I was a recent cancer survivor, and I decided to get involved after seeing how cool it was watching my sister and cousin run and raise funds for LLS last year. Well, that just got us off and running, talking about oncologists, losing hair, being a young cancer patient (she is 20, diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma last December). We chatted right up until the meeting started, and she was so inspirational to me. Sometimes I get far enough away from my treatment that I forget the horror of actually having to go through it, how tough it is on your body, how awful it is to lose your hair, how different it makes you feel from everyone else.

During the meeting they discussed the different events that they train people for, the fundraising process, and they showed a video about team in training which really pumped me up. They featured testimonials about the coaches they provide you with, the feeling of going from zero to marathoner in a few months, the awesome feeling of being a cancer survivor and proving to yourself that you can do something like this.... I almost broke down in tears about 30 times. I can talk about my cancer pretty objectively now, but you don't have to go too far under my skin to find my emotions.

I know the video is made to suck people in, but I have my own real life testimonials from Sue and Dana (sister and cousin) about how awesome the experience was. I attended their marathon last January, and I saw how everyone wearing a purple TNT shirt recognized you as someone who was rooting for them. It was an awesome feeling of a community united by a common cause, and it is something I want to be a part of.

So, I'm officially registered, and within a couple of days, they will email me the tools to set up my fundraising website. So, friends and family, watch out, because I'm coming after your money!!!

For the last time.... I'll tell you when I AM engaged!!!

Dear everyone,

I am not engaged. I am in a serious relationship with marriage in my future, but I am not officially engaged yet. I do wear a "promise" ring on my left finger, but it doesn't mean that I am planning my wedding. Trust me, when the time comes, you will know.

Love, Kelli

Seriously, I get asked this question more frequently than any other. I think once a couple in their mid twenties and beyond has been in a serious relationship for over 6 months, people start swarming them, posing the marriage question, asking when babies are coming, wondering what city they will retire in. World, please! Slow down! Relax!

I love D with all my heart, and he loves me too. But we spent the past year dealing with some pretty heavy crap, and now we are taking time to enjoy our relationship without it revolving around cancer. There are some people in my life that the first thing they ask me every time I see them is "When are you getting married?" Please don't ask me this question. If I am happy with the state of my relationship, you should be happy too.

Some of the worst offenders are members of our own families. Apparently, over the 4th of July, D was grilled individually and collectively by his parents about when he would be proposing. Hey, note to world: guys aren't really into pressure. Lay off! The other night my elderly grandmother told me she wants me to get married before she dies. Suuurrreeeeeee, THAT doesn't make me feel any guilt!

Forgive me if I sound frustrated, but I am. I've never been in a happier place with my relationship, my life, my job, my friends.... but people seem to think something must be lacking if I don't have a (bigger) ring on my finger.

So, for now, please let us exist in a sinful peace, let us live together, have fun, and we'll get back to you when we have plans.

Sunblock Application Lessons

I could really use one of those. Even after almost 26 years, I still haven't managed to master the finer points of sunblock application.

This weekend was river floating in New Braunfels, and it was awesome. I had been a river floating virgin, but now I wish I could go every weekend. The weather was perfect, I felt relaxed, the beer stayed cold.... it was just an ideal way to spend a weekend.

I'm a little lobsterish today, though. I am totally loving those new spray on sunscreens, but I missed a few spots. It leaves me with some very random circles of red around my body, which is mildly uncomfortable. I'm lucky enough to be blessed with olive skin, so the red will soon turn to tan..... but then I'll be left with weird tan lines. Oh well, I consider it a small sacrifice to the river floating Gods :).

I think the weekend was a success, we gossiped, talked about the wedding, ate penis cake, and drank lots. Sleep was something I didn't do a lot of, so I'm now starting my Monday under the weather.

Tomorrow night is my Team in training informational meeting, and I'm so excited. I think it's going to be really motivating and get me even more excited about running. Running is still seeming pretty daunting right now, but I've started my training, and while it's going to be a gradual process, I'm ready for the challenge.

Penis slap

It's bachelorette party time! I'm leaving tomorrow for New Braunfels to celebrate Maggie's impending marriage. And despite what my title may indicate, I'm hoping to get out of the weekend WITHOUT a random penis slap in the face. (memories of Katie Coleman's 23rd birthday are haunting me).

I'm ready for a weekend of floating the river, hanging out by the pool, and drinking beer in the sun. Here's hoping the weather cooperates with us.

Sick :(

As today has gone on, I'm feeling worse and worse. I've had a bit of a sore throat for the past couple days, and last night I started feeling a little nauseated. I had trouble sleeping to the point where I left our room and went to the guest room so that I wouldn't keep D awake as I tossed and turned.

I came into work this morning feeling a little better, but maybe the lack of sleep just served to make me more run down.

I'm hoping that a warm bath and a good night's sleep will help.... I need to be in top form, as I'm going away this weekend for Maggie's bachelorette party. Sine I introduced the happy couple, I feel my attendance is important :).

In happier news, I am finally starting to tell how much my hair has grown, even though it still has a long way to go to get back to where it was. It's kind of doing a cute, flippy thing now.... it looks softer and more feminine. I guess I looked a little edgy and modern when it was shorter, but let's be honest, edgy and modern isn't really my style.

I also started my running training last night, and I huffed and puffed through my day one program, but I did it. Today is luckily a day of rest, and I'm back to it tomorrow!

Happy birthday, Boyfriend.... and Uncle Sam

It has been a seriously great past few days. From D's birthday to a relaxing 4th of July weekend, I've thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Let's rewind to the night before D's birthday, the night of the special birthday dinner. It turned out great! My menu was:

Appetizers: Crab Stuffed mushrooms and fresh sliced mozzarella
Entree: Pan fried salmon in grape seed oil and scallops in lemon butter sauce
Sides: Asparagus bundles wrapped in prosciutto and roasted garlic mashed potatoes
Desserts: Krispy Kreme bread pudding and chocolate covered strawberries

It might have been my finest moment in the kitchen ever. Anyway, D came home from work, and I had appetizers ready. He had kind of a rough day at the office, so it took him a little bit of time to unwind. When he was finally in a position to be showered with surprises and affection, I decided it was present time.

My first part of the gift to him was 3 items wrapped up. Let me preface all this with the one thing I know to be true in life more than anything else: He loves the Chicago Cubs quite possibly more than anything except me (I hope!). He watches almost every single game, he has a subscription to mlb.com to watch them online when they don't air on tv, and we often schedule things around when the Cubs play.

So, the first present he opened was a Cubs jersey with his favorite player, Kerry Wood's, number on it. Ok, great present number one. His second gift was this retro Cubs t-shirt that I thought was very cool, and he did too. Alright, second gift, good! The third present was a smaller version of the t-shirt I gave him, which caused a bit of confusion. That t-shirt was for me. D is always getting on my case about wanting me to wear a Cubs t-shirt to a game when they come to town, so I decided the next Cubs game we saw, I would wear a Cubs shirt for him. Nice gift number 3.

So, he was very pleased with his presents, and he thought that was where the surprises ended. Boy, was he wrong.

After D opened the first three gifts and thanked me, I told him I thought there might be one more gift. I went and got a large envelope, and I pulled a smaller envelope out. He opened it, and it was 3 sets of Cubs tickets. Danny started to thank me, but tell me I shouldn't have bought Cubs/Astros tickets that far in advance, his firm could probably give us their tickets at Minute Maid. I told him to look more closely at what park the tickets were for, and he realized the tickets were at Wrigley Field instead of Minute Maid, and D proceeded to get more confused then I had ever seen him. He slowly began piecing things together as I started pulling out other pieces of paper, like airfare to Chicago, hotel reservations, confirmations for dinner reservations, tickets to Second City..... we are going to Chicago!!!!!!

I have never seen D go speechless. And then get SO excited. Going to Chicago, seeing the Cubs at Wrigley field, taking a vacation.... he loved the gift. And I loved giving it to him. 30 is a big birthday, and I wanted to do something very special, and I think I succeeded.

Anyway, the rest of the night was lovely, and filled with talk of our upcoming trip (we are going August 2). I even talked to his boss in advance to make sure he could get the time off. I'm kind of proud of myself for putting this all together AND actually keeping it a secret!!!

Anyway, July 3 was D's actual birthday, and we drove up to Frisco, TX to visit his family for the long weekend. His folks live on an awesome lot overlooking a whole lot of land and a lake. It's a great place to get away from the city and be in a relaxing environment. Their community has a very nice amenities center with an awesome pool, and so it had the makings of an idyllic weekend.

We went out to dinner on Thursday night with his folks and one set of grandparents. We came home, and played hours of darts in their garage with his mom and dad, which was very fun. D and I spent the 4th of July running around, grilling out with his parents, and watching about 7 different fireworks shows from their back patio. It was the perfect place to watch the shows.

Yesterday we all went up to Lake Lewisville as part of D's birthday gift, and his parents rented wave runners. D and I shared one, and we had a blast. I had never been on one before, so of course he felt the need to terrify me on choppy water at 50 mph, but after I got used to it, I gave into my need for speed :). I got to drive as well, and it was awesome. We drove to Fort Worth last night to visit the other set of grandparents, as well as his uncle, aunt, and baby cousin. Babies make my heart melt, I can tell I already have baby fever.

D and his dad are out golfing this morning, and after lunch with everyone, we'll head back to Houston and the real world. I'm not ready for this vacation to be over, but it has definitely been the relaxing getaway that we have both needed.... and the next one is just around the corner!!!

Happy birthday!

I'm about to leave to begin to cook the meal that will hopefully give D a culinary boner (to steal a line from Top Chef). I got to work 2 hours early today so that I could leave 2 hours early.

I also FINALLY, FINALLY get to give him the long awaited birthday surprise that I have been planning for months. He doesn't read this blog, so he frankly has no idea I have anything special beyond the meal planned.

We leave tomorrow for Frisco, I'll be gone all weekend, so I likely won't be posting anything.

But in other news, I made the decision today to go and attend an informational session for Team in Training. I would really, really like to run the Aramco Half Marathon in January and raise money to fight my cancer. So, if I go through with this, be prepared for me to come knocking down the door for donations :).

C'mon, how can you say no to a cancer survivor trying to help eradicate the disease???? :)

Emergency room adventures

*warning, don't read if you are afraid of TMI*

So, yesterday morning, I woke with some... familiar symptoms. Oh yes, ladies, you know it: the dreaded UTI. It had been months since my last one, so I guess it was my time. I was only feeling mild discomfort when I left the house early to go and get an oil change, so I figured I could call my doctor and get a prescription called in. Well, while waiting for my car to be finished, the pain began to increase and increase, to the point where I was almost doubled over in pain. I went to the restroom to try and tough it up and pee.... and it came out red. I was bleeding somewhere inside, and it definitely freaked me out.

So, I decided to take a trip to my friendly neighborhood emergency room. The nice thing about being an MD Anderson patient is that it gives you access to their emergency room, which only patients are allowed to use. I signed in and got a room pretty quickly, but of course the process of finding out what is wrong with you is long, long, long. I checked in at 8am, and I got out around 3ish. The good news is that it wasn't a kidney infection or something more serious (which I was scared of), it was just a very serious hemorrhagic bladder infection (ew). On top of that, I got to spend a day hooked up to an IV with drugs that made me feel better, AND I got to watch Family Feud. It was basically like a day off of work!! :) I got discharged with a couple of prescriptions, and I went and got ice cream and french fries. Not really helping with my weight loss efforts, but I was feeling puny and vulnerable after a day at the hospital, so I needed some comfort.

So, when I went to the emergency room, I opted not to tell anyone. I, of course, called work to let them know I wouldn't be in, but I didn't inform my family or D until I knew things were okay. To be fair, my mom and sister were out of town in Austin, so a phone call when I was in the hospital would have only served to freak them out, and maybe make them drive erratically. D was working on about 6 motions that were due to the court yesterday, so telling him would have caused him to be distracted, and probably drop important things to come and be with me. Frankly, at this point, I am a hospital PRO. I'm not afraid to be there by myself, I'm not afraid to handle the doctors and nurses, I'm not afraid of (most) of the procedures they do there.... it really didn't occur to me to interrupt other peoples' days for my minor medical emergency.

But man, do you ever hear about it when you tell the people you love that you spent the day in the hospital. It apparently displeases them.

Anyway, I'm back at work today, feeling a lot better, and excited about a short week and a long holiday weekend. Tomorrow night is D's fancy birthday dinner, so I'll letcha know how it goes. ;)