I prefer steak to liquid barium

Last night's Fleming's dinner was incredible. Wedge salad, medium rare steak oscar (with lump crabmeat and Bearnaise), chipotle mac n cheese, blue cheese mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus, molten chocolate cake, and cheesecake. I know, totally contrary to my weight loss goals, but hellllllllaaaaaaa good. I wish I didn't love food so much. I wish I were happy munching on celery instead of steak. I wish I didn't crave cheese, meat, bread, chocolate.... oh well. I guess it's everything in moderation, although moderation seems to be my problem!

But the night was lovely, and I enjoyed some quality time with my mom and D.

Tomorrow's cuisine isn't nearly as delectable. Tomorrow is MD Anderson day. I go in every 3 months for a series of tests to make sure my cancer hasn't returned. I usually walk around feeling like a bad-ass cancer survivor, but those days make me feel vulnerable, scared, and sick all over again. I'll be poked and prodded and made to feel like a patient number as opposed to a human being. That's not to knock the staff over there, they are really great, but they are so used to dealing with cancer patients, I think it becomes routine after a while.

The worst part is the catscan. I have to fast for several hours before the scan, and then I get to drink liquid barium in three LARGE doses over an hour and a half right before the scan. MMMM MMMM!!!! In case anyone was wondering, liquid barium at MD Anderson comes in three fruity, fun flavors! Berry, Banana, and Apple. The first time I had to have a scan right after I was diagnosed, I asked what the most popular flavor was, and the nurse said it was berry. Ever since then, I have been a berry barium kind of girl. I gag sitting here thinking of banana barium.

My catscan also involves an iodine contrast. That means they put an IV in my arm, and at hook my up to a machine that dispenses a shot of iodine at some point during the scan. If you haven't ever had an iodine contrast, it's the weirdest feeling. It makes your body feel like it's on fire. The sensation starts in your chest and moves all the way down to your toes. It also makes you feel like you need to urinate, which is awesome considering you are supposed to be sitting still and not moving.

There are other aspects to the scan which I won't go into detail about, but suffice it to say, it's not my favorite thing ever.

However, if these scans keep coming back to tell me that I am cancer-free, I'll have them every week. I just keep trying to remind myself this is one step closer to being declared "cured" (5 years from now!).

So, tomorrow night after barium-fest, I plan on indulging in something greasy that I don't prepare myself. Sigh. Thwarting my weight loss attempts again! Oh well, maybe God meant for me to be a substantial woman. :)