# 3- How I decided to shave my head

As shallow as it may sound, the first thought when I was diagnosed with cancer was not whether or not I was going to die, was it going to hurt, how long would I have to undergo treatment.... it was "Am I going to lose my hair?"

As I have come to meet more cancer patients/survivors, I have realized that I am NOT weird and shallow, but actually quite normal. Apparently, I am not the only one.

I had really long hair when I first got sick. I made the decision that I would cut it shoulder length before even beginning chemo, just so that I'd "ease" myself into the process. Looking back, it seems almost laughable, because there is a huge difference between having cute shoulder length hair and being bald. But, at the time, it made me feel better.

For a while, we thought I wasn't going to lose my hair. Sure, the chemo was making some of it fall out, but I've always had such thick hair, you couldn't notice. Hell, it was almost a blessing for me, because it meant I only had to shave about every other week, and it was an automatic eye brow thinner! For the first couple months of chemo, the hair loss wasn't a big deal.

Well, then came July. To put it in perspective, my little sister left to go to camp for the whole month of July. When she returned from camp on my 25th birthday (August 4), she started crying. I knew I had been losing more hair, but it took someone who hadn't seen me in a while to shock me back into reality. My hair was coming out at a rapid pace. I woke up every morning with a mess of strands all over my pillow. I was so delicate when I washed my hair, because it would come out in chunks. I stopped brushing it because I was just pulling what little was left out.

By the time August rolled around, I had visible bald spots, and I wouldn't leave the house without a hat. My family threw me a surprise 25th birthday party with a big group of friends, but I thought D and I were just going to dinner alone. I begged him not to take me someplace too nice, because I didn't want to have to remove my hat. Luckily, the party was casual, and I ended up having a great time and being completely surprised, but it was an indicator of what was to come.

I kept hemming and hawing about actually shaving my head. It was one thing to have bald spots, it was another thing to be totally bald. I was terrified of what I would look like, how I would feel, what people would think..... I debated for a couple of weeks. One morning, while D was out of town with his brother, I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror, and I knew that was THE day. I had to take CONTROL. I was tired of my cancer dominating me. I let my mom know, and word got around to my whole family. Everyone came over that afternoon and brought champagne and food. If we were going to do this, we were going to do this as a family and turn it into a celebration. My uncle, who is a hairdresser, had the honors of manning the shears, not only because I trusted him not to nick my head, but also because he was probably going to be the person who wouldn't be sobbing uncontrollably (the same could not be said of my mom, sisters, aunt, etc). We took photos before the shaving, and after, and we toasted with champagne. My uncle then put my wig on my head and styled it for me. And it was done. I was bald.

Being bald wasn't nearly as scary as I had anticipated. Sure, I would have preferred my hair a million times over, but I had a cute wig I wore out of the house, and around the house, no one cared. My friend E even came over one night, and under the influence of lots of champagne, drew smiley faces on my head with marker :). When it grew back, it grew back into a baby mohawk, which was actually kind of cute! I wore my wig for 4 months until my hair had achieved about an inch and a half of length, and then I started rocking the short do, which looked remarkably good on me!

It's been almost 2 years since the head shaving, and my hair is now back in full force. It took a long time to get here, I have been through many phases of hair styling, lots of headbands, hair product..... but I now know that my hair is just hair. It's not me, it's not who I am, and with or without it, I'm going to be okay.